I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice