I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
🙂🐾
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I hate when that happens.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.