coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried