I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?