Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Schrödinger’s cookie
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell