To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.