Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.