My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.