You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.