me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Brother?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Ken is short for chicken