My boss called in sick of me
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.