HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Yup.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
He died doing what he loved: being alive