Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Natural selection at its finest
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”