Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
You Might Also Like
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”