The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?