“just sayin” who asked you though?
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Life is a suicide mission.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Legend 🤣🤣
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me