Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Feels
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”