a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..