I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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Its true…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*