My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter