The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.