[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
these two trucks have the same bed length
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.