[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.