me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines