No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook