I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints