When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.