A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Not helping
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”