I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.