Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory