My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
You Might Also Like
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.