A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances