Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados