*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*frowns in Scottish*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.