“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Why I divorced her.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.