My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em