Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.