Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Sunday
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me