Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Going into Monday like
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
This took me a second..
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day