My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife