What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary