Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m sorry…what?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.