I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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the rocks need my help
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Thinking about Jeff
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Dear Lord..
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.