Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.