Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm