People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
And bowling should be called pinball
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me refusing to leave twitter
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.