If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Feels
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.