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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
12. I think about this all the damn time
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.