ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You Might Also Like
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?