If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud